It Started Out As A Piece Of Coal And Ended Up A Diamond

I’m not really sure at what age the uptight planner personality reared its ugly head inside of me or what specifically caused it. Maybe it was all those times I would be woken up ridiculously early so that I could bathe and dress myself for church and while sitting there, ready to go, my mother was flipping out attempting to get her hair PERFECT or flitting from closet to closet in an attempt to find an outfit that didn’t make her “look fat” (my mother has never been fat.) Some of those mornings ended up with mom melting down and us not going to church. To be fair, her 30’s and really probably her 40’s were kind of shittacular so I’m pretty sure the stress had to go somewhere. Or maybe it was all those times I’d get dragged around shopping with my shop-a-holic mother and sister; hours and hours inside of stores and sometimes this was only for “window shopping” purposes. I already know this is the seed that planted my hatred for shopping but maybe it has something to do with the Hitler style planner mentality I’ve got going on too.

Case in point #1, one of my childhood birthday parties:

Schedule and occurrences with the way they were supposed to go (in my head):

2:30PM: I perch on my throne awaiting the arrival of my guests.

2:45PM: 100’s of kids arrive, all shuffling in at once, all bearing multiple gifts, overwhelming our foyer table. 

3:00PM: The Happy Birthday song is sung and my enormous cake is wheeled out, cut and served (this happens first because cake is my favorite part of the birthday.)

3:30PM: Paid entertainers come out and commence birthday fun. My friends and I all break out into an impromptu dance party.

4:00PM: I rip open all the gifts (toy after toy that I wanted.)

4:30PM: Everyone leaves so that I can play with all of my new toys.

What really happened:

My mother gets me dressed and ready for the party and sends me downstairs to play while she gets ready (probably hiding and chugging off of a hooch in her closet, gearing up for putting up with gaggles of small shrieking velocoraptors.) Because I’m acting like a pain in the ass brat, my brother tries to kill me and my mother has to come out and threaten to send me to my room and cancel my party to make me to straighten up. After some hateful looks are exchanged, he goes outside to play with his friends and I sit by the living room window longingly waiting for my guests to arrive. The family guests all get there early to help (grandparents, godmother and perhaps some others.) And maybe about 10 kids eventually trickle in, half of them being my brother and sister’s friends. The adults all throw us to our own devices while they socialize and no doubt drink it up. After ignoring all of the kids that showed up and asking 100 times to bust out the cake, and open gifts my mother finally gives in to me out of annoyance. The clown (who scares the hell out of me,) gets drunk and falls into the pool.  

After all of the other kids want to put their hands all over my toys and I go into full out crazed Veruca Salt mode, everyone leaves.

Case in point #2: In my junior/senior year I snagged the boy of my (16 year old) dreams, and we became boyfriend and girlfriend right around prom time. Score!!!! So, I had this crazy vision in my head of what our prom night was going to be like and was certain that it was going to go all according to my plan with Nazi like precision. 

So there it was, formed in my head, my perfect prom night. I was going to look like a movie starlet and all he would want to do was dance with me the whole night. Romance at its most young and innocent beginnings…..that was my vision. I needed this vision to come true so bad that I begged my mom for a $300 dress (that was a buttload of money for a prom dress back in ’96, people,) which of course, she bought for me and I HAD to have my hair done so that I would look like a princess. My usual long straight everyday hairdo wouldn’t suffice. I’m pretty sure this is what I was going for and what I thought I looked like in my head. Don’t laugh dude, because 16 year old girl hormones are NO JOKE, they make you completely delusional:

So flash to the day/night of:  I was in a full blown PANIC to stay on schedule.  The lady doing my hair gave my mother more than one concerned glance as she observed the hysteria written all over my face and the white knuckled death grip I had on the salon chair.  Once that was done I was rushing my mother at break neck speed to get home so we could get my makeup perfect and get me into my dress.  I probably paced for at least 30 minutes to an hour ready, early as usual, and waiting for him and the other couple we went with to come and pick me up.  So they get there (late) and I rush my mother through pictures all the while pulling my boyfriend and best friend at the time aside to spazz out on them for being late.  Needless to say, prom was a huge let down.  I kept requesting slow songs that I wanted to dance to, but couldn’t get him out on the dance floor and he pretty much jacked around with his friends all night.  And the ending to this story is less than spectacular, because guess who got dumped by the man of her 16 year old dreams shortly after prom?  This girl, right here!  Dump-o-rama.  Totally crushed me.

After that little lesson as to what happens when I lose my mind on people for things not going according to my plan, I just keep all of my freakedoutedness on the inside. For instance, these days, let’s say you and I make plans for the evening, and then OHMYGODLORDBABYJESUS you are LATE (and I mean more than 30 minutes late) to commence said plans, even if it’s just hanging out at my house; I may seem all cool and collected on the outside when you show up but on the inside I am losing. My. Shit. If I have varied from my daily routine and made plans with you and you cancel on me? A volcanic eruption of ungodly proportions ensues inside of my head. If you call me and are less than an hour away from dropping in on me unexpectedly, I’m reaching for the anti-anxiety pills.

 

Believe it or not I’m much more toned down than I used to be because I was with a “non-planner” for about 10 years. Not only was he a non-planner, his whole family were the wizard masters of stomping on any plans or schedules I attempted to set forth and keep. Because I endured this for almost 10 years, they broke me to a certain extent but at the end I began to withdraw from plans involving them. Because, really? What it comes down to is manners. Yes, I know that I am EXTREME, and if you’re reading this and really don’t feel that I’m this person that I’m talking about, it’s because I really do hide it that well. But hey, something good does come of this behavior which is that I’m a girl who hates to shop! What guy doesn’t want one of those, right? Right?!?!? And for your enjoyment, below is my professionally done prom picture.