Thursday, March 17, 2022
Perhaps Being A Crazy Cat Lady Is Underrated
As I realize more and more every day that I'm going to need meds soon to get over this depression, one regret floods my mind. I regret ending my marriage with my second husband. Just seeing the statement fills me with shame. For a very long time I vindicated myself and my actions by the comfort that I freed him to pursue a better life. To have children, namely. I knew no one could have the relationship with him that I did however I knew I couldn't give him children in any way, shape or form. Everything that made us, us, was perfect. The way we interacted, the way we played and the way we loved each other. I was just too stupid, young, grandiose and idiotic to let it be wonderful. However, he does have a seemingly wonderful life now. A pretty wife, and two gorgeous children that inherited his huge blue eyes. I told myself at the time, to justify what I was doing, that it was for him, even though the underlying motivation was for myself. I am glad it turned out well for one of us. As I'm so regretful, I know that if I ever found anyone like him again, my natural inclination would be to dig my claws in deep and hold onto him for dear life. God help him if he exists and God help me if I ruin it by scaring him away.
I have to get past this but I don't know how. It's so sad really, twelve plus years later I'm just now coming to full grips with ending this relationship. It's as if I just got a phone call from a hospital telling me he died in a car wreck on the way home. My grieving process seems to have just begun. I need to quit being tortured over it. A vehemently private individual just as I am, I know I will never get closure or know how he feels. And I don't deserve him, I just don't. In accordance with the loss of him and the way he made me feel, which was perfect in his eyes, I'm coping with the utter waste of the ten years my life following him was. I've tried to have relationships since the most recent divorce. Hell I'm trying to have one now and I think I'm too broken to make one work anymore.
So that's my story. I'm broken and I don't know how to fix it. I think it might be time for a subscription to Cat Fancy, complete with cat t-shirts, sweaters and actual cats to go along with. I should go ahead and put a taxidermy shop on retainer as my pets start dying, I can stuff them and have them forever. Yep. Sounds like a plan.
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