Damnit. I'm Such A Whore.

So here I go, grocery shopping the other day and I’m cruising through quickly to avoid all of the ghetto fabulous freaks that make me concerned for my safety (I live in the almost-barrio/almost-hood part of town); cradling too many items in two hands because I’m awesome like that. And really, what better way to add to my already painfully present clutzy-ness than bumping into shelves while juggling food stuffs? None! So I’m walking by the bread/dressing/peanut butter/jelly aisle and I quickly glance over doing a mental check to see if I need anything in said aisle and what do I see?

"BITCH." I saunter over to it and glare down at it while also trying to maintain an air of disinterest. I ACTUALLY looked over my shoulder before picking up the jar to look at it, (you know, like when you’re about to tell a racist or sexist joke,) just to make sure no one was watching me. I read; made with some sort of blah-bity blah blah nuts AND COCO, not to mention 1,000,000 calories per tablespoon. So of course, it’s totally winning me over. Then I see a cute-ish normal looking guy start heading my way and since I don’t want to be actually CAUGHT buying one of my arch nemesis food products, I quickly stuff it under my arm and hike it over to the register.

Well. Let me tell you something. DON’T buy it. DON’T even LOOK AT IT. If you happen upon an open jar of it at someone else’s house DON’T even look at it or smell it. Even out of curiosity. You’ve been warned. This $hit is evil. Yes, MORE evil or perhaps equal parts as evil as Chick-fil-A, people. I’m pretty sure what it really consists of is Unicorn poop. Seriously, I’m pretty sure that THIS is the evil that the movie Legend back in the 80’s was actually talking about but they wanted to peddle that bull$hit as “fiction.” THIS is the evil. Not Tim Curry dressed up as the devil.

They were really all on that quest, to save the Unicorns, so that those a$$hole horses could poop in jars en masse and feed it to all of us, so that the whole cast and directors, could walk away rich for years to come. Tom has obviously been eating it SINCE this movie, which is why the man is bat $hit crazy now. So NOW we can ALL see the result of long term consumption of this evil brown sludge.

Am I saying this because it’s yucky because obviously, so is poop? No my friends, it’s not yucky, it’s MAGICAL. Glitter pooping Unicorn mag-i-cal. It is so f*cking good that you start thinking up random food items that it would be good on. “Oh, hmmm, I bet my already tasty and calorific chocolate bar would be great dipped in EVIL. Gee, I bet these brownies sure would be good with EVIL icing. I know I’m on a diet but this celery would really be good with some EVIL on it. . . . . . . . . ”

I’m serious. You start inventing recipes that involve the use of it or thinking up baked goods that you can ice with it. I put it on UNtoasted white bread because I got desperate one night to spread it on something, anything, AND IT TASTED LIKE I WAS EATING A F*CKING CUPCAKE, PEOPLE!!!!! But the jar is almost empty and I’ve SWORN to myself that I won’t buy any more and that I’ll be strong. Because by God, until they change the frigging commercial to properly pronounce that $hit I am NOT buying any more! And now that I’ve written about it, but have decided to deprive myself of it, I’m sure I’ll start having dreams of hideous Chick-fil-A/Nutella/Legend monsters. No doubt.

I’m so ashamed.