Won’t….. You Be……. My Neighbor?

So back at Ye Olde Insurance Company, me and the gals I took breaks with would sometimes play a game. The theme of the game was to come up with the funniest/coolest/craziest celebrity you could think of that you would want to live next door to. We spent many a break discussing dream neighborhoods while bursting into fits of laughter that made us nearly (or maybe sometimes) pee our pants. One of us was generally doing the ‘OHMYGOD seriously stop making me laugh or I really am going to pee myself’ crouch complete with a hand in the air and tears rolling down our faces. There was also the often utilized - I have to pee so bad my teeth hurt waddle – while heading back to the building. If I lived in these perfect neighborhoods, there I’d be, just like that guy in the movie, The Burbs, poised with binoculars, ready to take in the show.

So, here are some of the candidates that we came up with in no particular order:

The Osbournes: Since they had their reality show, you already know what they’re going to be like to live next to. It would be so frigging cool to witness Ozzy’s shaky mumblings and outcries for Sharon firsthand while drinking a hot toddy in the backyard with them and playing with their hordes of dogs. I think the kids are kind of a-holes but Sharon and Ozzy? They are what the modern couple should be, period. Deep in love, blunt, no holds barred. I mean have you watched this series?? Anyway, Ozzy and Sharon LOVE each other, and they LOVE those kids and you can tell that they would all have each others’ backs no matter what and they’re cool as sh*t on top of it.

Britney, Lindsay and Paris: Perfect. Roommate. Combo. No? On one hand, I wouldn’t want to live next to them for fear of the smell (what with their own perfume lines and most definite gamey vaginal smell that must emanate from every room they occupy; their home would no doubt smell like a Chinese whore house.) Other than that, the cat fights complete with hair pulling, drunken late night partying after the clubs close down and passing out in the lawn and continual one upping each other with new suitors would definitely be divine entertainment. Prime examples of no matter what the upbringing or the wealth they possess they will never break free of their white trash vibes or ways.

Gary Busey: Ginormous teeth? Check. Busey-isms? Affirmative. Complete loss of touch with reality and the willingness to go balls out on camera or to people on the street when given a platform to speak. Need I say more?

Charlie Sheen: I’m sorry, but Charlie is just so effing cool. His continual string of LA hooker meets tore up Playboy bunnyesque women. His awesome sayings under the influence of drug induced rants. I can’t tell you how much I miss him being in the limelight. I was pleasantly amused when he popped up in recent years, in trouble with the law and spilling his royally f*cked up life all over the place for us to enjoy.

FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAVE!!!!!!!! Awwwww yeah, bitches! Who did NOT love the “reality” series, Flavor of Love? The hoes, the “quest for love.” Trash TV at it’s best since the beginnings of Jerry Springer. And you know in my opinion, Flav is a cool guy. He’s pretty mellow but funny and silly. I’m sure he has ties with Snoop and if they were out in his yard sitting in lawn chairs, smoking a blunt and invited me over? HELLLLLZ YEAH I’d grab a 40 out of the ice chest and pull up a chair! He CRACKS me the eff up. I really miss that show.

So that’s all for now. There are more people that we came up with but I’ll have to continue this in another installment one day. Want to throw your two cents in on your dream neighbor/neighborhood? Feel free to comment, because really, I’m such a whore for your comments. Or write me: thisonetimeatartcamp@yahoo.com because I’m a whore for your emails as well.