Roooooooowrrrrrr!

One thing you might want to know about me (ok, probably not but whatev) is that when I was around 4 years old or so my vocabulary, spelling and reading abilities were off the charts. If memory serves, which it doesn't so this is probably me talking out of my ass here; when I was around this age, I was testing out on anything that had to do with language at an 11th grade level. However I wrote in mirror image, which has no bearing on this story whatsoever I just think the fact that I wrote in mirror image is cool. Anyway, one major illness and a fever of 106° for about 3 days later at the age of ten, pretty much threw that out the window but not completely. Luckily I only lost out on math skills, mainly. And who needs math when you have calculators, computers or someone in your life that can do math in their head when asked to at will?? 

Maybe something else that you might want to know about me is that my first word was shit. Now this may come as no surprise to you but it was quite the shock to my mother and sister who were sitting in the kitchen and heard me wake up from a nap, yawn and then say “shit” clear as day, on the baby monitor. My sister, 9 years my senior and my brother, 6 years older, were then thoroughly scolded for cussing around me. Maybe they were actually beaten, who knows. And oh how my vocabulary has soared since. Sounds pretty trailer park, right? Let me assure you, no trailer parks were involved in the creation of my colorful vocabulary. 

And then there was the time I received my first dirty prank phone call. By the way, don’t you miss being able to do prank calls???? I do! My friend Billie-Jean and I (yes this was her real name and OHMYGOD I SWEAR I did NOT grow up in a trailer park) used to just grab the phone book up when we were bored and prank call random people. We’d dare each other to get a little naughtier with each phone call, too. Eventually we would work up to calling someone and just throw out some heavy breathing rather than telling a lame joke or something but thinking back on it because we were 9 years old, we didn't know what real sex sounds were like yet, so it probably sounded more like a 9 year old girl having an asthma attack than the sexy “romping” sounds we were going for.

We probably scared the shit out of some grandma. I can see it now, poor Mildred got our prank call and started hobbling out to the garage towards her husband shouting “RUPERT, FOR GOD’S SAKE CALL 9-1-1, SUSIE’S ON THE PHONE AND SHE’S HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK, GET THE KEYS WE'VE GOT TO GO OVER THERE!!!!” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Damn it  that’s funny. So I digress, back to the dirty prank phone call I received back around the age of 4. It was a huge race/fight to answer the phone in my house. My sister, brother and I were constantly dashing for it when it rang, then smacking around whoever grabbed it first. That and we always fought over the Chiquita banana sticker when mom brought home bananas from the store. OK, ANYWAY, I answer the phone and as usual they’re all standing around me waiting for me to hand it off to who it was for but instead I hear this on the other end:

Mr. Pedo: *pause* *heavy breathing*

Me: “Helloooo?”

Mr. Pedo: *heavy breathing* *pause* “I want to” *pause* “wipe your puuuuuussssy.”

I immediately slammed down the phone and turned around with huge eyes to my mother and sister staring at me.

“Well who was it??” They asked.

“It was um, a wrong number.”

“What did they say?”

“I can’t repeat it.”

They both looked at each other and then looked at me.

“Just tell us! What did they say??” I shook my head. “OK, can you spell what they said?”

“He said I want to wipe your p-u-s-s-y.” (In case you didn't catch that, I spelled out the bad word to them rather than repeating it.)

My mother and sister try but fail miserably at holding back shocked laughter and one of them says “at least she knows how to spell it!”

And yeah, he actually said "wipe."  What a loser.