Porn: It's What's For Dinner

Can we talk about something that's near and dear to my heart for a minute? Porn. So, yeah, let me just start with the fact that I'm a porn snob. I've seen some really messed up stuff in my day via porn, good God especially that one the other night. Gross. Still can't shake that image out of my mind. So I'm OK with messed up stuff. I've indulged in and seen first hand some crazy shit but I just really think that somebody needs to lay down some rules when it comes to making a porn. I'm going to designate that person to be me.

Rule #1 (probably the most important rule of all): 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD QUIT SPITTING IN PORNOS FOR LUBRICATION, IT'S FUCKING STOMACH TURNING AND GROSS! If you're in the moment and need some lubrication and don't really want to make a trip to the bathroom to get the bottle o' lube out of the medicine cabinet or heck, what's going down is just so hot that you don't even want to take a second to reach into the bedside table drawer I understand using a little spit. Let me elaborate. Your man friend feels you're a little dry, so he reaches down and licks his fingers or palm to spread a little on the love stick before throwing it inside you - acceptable. You, as the woman, feel you're a little dry or maybe you're trying to get into it but just aren't quite there yet - so you take a time out so that you can wrap your lips around said love stick and give it a good lacquering or your man friend goes down and gives your love muffin a tongue bath - acceptable. Flat out spitting down onto the love stick or muffin before penetration is fucking gross, stop it people JUST STOP IT! This is like the MAIN THEME of porn today! Have you noticed this?! I keep searching for new videos with the hope that I'll actually find one where lube is used or the woman is actually excited so she's wet and there won't be any spitting. But inevitably, I'm like 3 minutes into it and someone spits. I just want to vomit! 

Which leads into rule #2 (and really this could be inside or outside of a porn, so guys take note): 

I am tired of seeing porns where the woman isn't visibly excited, and by that I mean that she's not wet. OR anal is being performed and NO LUBE is being used, so love sticks are just getting rammed into dry orifices. What is sexy about this? Really, what is sexy about this either on film or in the bedroom? Nothing, that's what. I've been there. It's rare but it happens - I'll be having an off day and I won't be fully into it and some lube will have to be deployed and hey, just as a tip, once some lube and some action is going on down there - you start to get into it even if you weren't before. Do your men a favor ladies, not feeling up to it? Slap some lube on and go - because I'm really just so tired of hearing about "he cheated on me and I'm so shocked" stories that I could just club a bitch. Guess what ladies? Know what the male species is hardwired to do? Procreate as much as possible. Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, but we were given consciousness' and the ability to reason right from wrong.....this is where if you're in front of me having this argument, I give you a blank stare. If you were dropped onto a deserted island and had to fend for yourself to survive - guess what kicks in? Your primal instincts. So your man doesn't know how to fix a toilet? Bet if he were on that island he'd figure out how to forage for food and build some shelter real quick. Just sayin. At the core of our beings are our primal instincts. EVERYONE WILL REVERT BACK TO THEM FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIVES SO GIVE UP THE TANG TO YOUR MAN ALL THE TIME. And THEN if he STILL steps out on you? Then yeah, flamethrower his ass because he's scum. Guys will put up with some crazy behavior and bullshit if you're giving them the constant bedroom action. He may eventually leave your ass because he's tired of the roller coaster ride, but I bet you he won't step out on you.

Aaaaand rule #3: 

Please quit glorifying ass to vagina penetration. Again, I'm sure you want some elaboration. I understand these people are "acting" but oh for the love. And as a side note,I'm sure these girls just love having to go on antibiotics about a week or so after performing this little feat for the camera. The anal canal is TEEMING with bacteria. T-E-E-M-I-N-G. I don't care if you stick some pipe cleaners and antibacterial soap up there first, you're not going to wash it all away. So what do I see on the regular?  That's right, love sticks being deployed into asses and then pulled out and being thrown into vaginas immediately. Or the chick will polish the knob after he's been all up in there. Have some pride, skank! Gross! As Dante in Clerks II said it perfectly - "you never go ass to mouth!" And you don't. OK. I'm done.

By the way slackers, if you don't want to make a comment on here even though you can do it totally anonymously, you're welcome to email me at: 

thisonetimeatartcamp@yahoo.com. 

I really need to know that you still care.  I'm starting to get a complex, thanks.