Oh that's it, now it's war. I am SO SICK AND TIRED of people coming to my door every damn day for something! If it's not a neighbor, it's a solicitor! And I know I'm totally going to Hell for this but I was just in the middle of a masturbation session and some stupid church goers trying to spread the word just showed up and I gave them attitude.
Not only is it annoying because my dogs go absolutely ape shit when someone even comes near my driveway but I'm pretty private and don't like to be disturbed. So I've decided that I'm going to get on THE LIST. You know, that list that gets distributed telling solicitors to avoid certain houses. Fuck the "no soliciting" sign, because let's be real, those never work. That's right, I'm launching a full out assault on solicitors. For this little task, I'm going to have to have a few things handy:
- Trusty blue vibrator - check
- Negligee and stripper heels - check
- Something else really effed up to have on that you wouldn't normally associate with masturbation - hmmmm
- Disheveled hair - easy enough to do on the fly
- Boom box at the ready with mixed tape of a porn track I can play in the background - ugh, gotta hit up Walmart for that. If anyone can hook me up with some porn tracks complete with lots of naughty phrases and crazy old style saxophone porn music, that'd be awesome.
I can't wait. The next motherfucker that comes to the door is gonna get it and I'm gonna give it to them.
Rat bastards.
I could decorate your station with corks and sea shells
ReplyDeleteOooh yes I've always wanted my "station" bedazzled!
DeleteXoxo
Note to self:
ReplyDelete1) Determine OP's address
2) Buy popcorn
3) Camp out across the street and watch the show
Wait, I'm confused. Maybe I'm having a blonde moment here but what is OP?
DeleteXoxo
why the hell would you camp out and watch? I'll be knocking on that door relentlessly. I will become a Jehova's Witness for the sole purpose of having a reason to keep coming back to the house.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm feeling your love. *warm fuzzies*
DeleteXoxo
Next time you are interrupted during a lengthily masturbation session by on of those young, energy filled Jehova's Witnesses. Just add him to your toy collection. Grab his ass and drag him in like a scene from Orgazmo and force him to please you for interrupting your special time. No stunt cock needed...
ReplyDeleteThat's a good point, and he probably won't have the AIDS or anything!!!
DeleteXoxo
If I have to go the Orgazmo/Mormon route to weasel my way in, I'll do that. I'm not wedded to any particular faith. Truth be told, I'd expect to have my faith (such as it is) and mind shattered by the naughtiness she would drag me into.
ReplyDeleteOh and it would be naughty, it would be naughty.
DeleteXoxo
I knew I could count on you.
Deleteare we due for more musings soon?
ReplyDeleteUgh, I need inspiration. Perhaps one of these nights I'll run into a bus full of midgets dressed like various midget movie characters and I can write about that. Hell maybe I should kick my imagination in the ass and just start making up stories on here. Then I could invite readers to play "fact or fiction, you decide". Thanks for reading!
DeleteXOXO
where is Bloggy? We've been waiting for you.
ReplyDeleteI need shenanigans. I'm not getting any younger, so I'd better go find some while I can. Thank you for reading!
DeleteXOXO
Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, " Shenanigans."
DeleteMac: Hey Farva what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Farva: You mean Shenanigans?
Mac: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Thorny: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.