By Just Taking One Easy Class, YOU Can Be A Stripper, Too!

So I went through a phase of wanting to dance. I'm probably one of the most unbelievably uncoordinated women on the planet. I think it was when that show Dancing With The Stars came out that I suddenly thought, "oh yeah, that would be a great work out and I could show off my skillz at clubs!"  Yeah. No. In my quest for some kick ass moves and a better body, I mentioned my goal to an acquaintance who then invited me to a pole dancing class one day. I had my doubts since I get stage fright, but I figured, a bunch of other married chicks and me, all awkward about being too stripper-y in front of others might be right up my alley, so I went. 

We all show up, don our stripper outfits and heels and are shuffled into a spare bedroom in the teacher's apartment that had nothing in it except mirrors, club lighting and a pole. So already I'm thinking this is going to be awesome. And it was, for all of the other girls there. I couldn't really believe that all these girls had moves. I mean even the chunky, nerdy girl in the class could MOVE her stuff like a pro. 

First move taught:  Keep your back straight and slide down the pole, spread those legs, give your man a little show, no problem for these chicks. Me? I fell over but not after I slid down too fast, couldn't get my footing, kicked my leg out in the air like a cat licking it's butt. Right. Then the sexy walk towards "your man" while he's sitting in a chair and you're undressing for him. All the other chicks nailed it. I bombed. I think it looked a little more like I was shimmy-ing and ball-kick-chaining it across the floor while struggling with my top to get it off. And oh yes, I pulled off the olllllleeee hair getting caught in the strap of my tank top trick too. So after ripping my top off over my head, Jim Carrey style, while ball-kick-chaining it across the floor I'm pretty sure I looked like a person running around crazed while their shirt was on fire, hurrying to get it off. Then the finale - making a quick jaunt around the pole and finishing it off with sliding down it via my thighs. I still can't believe these other chicks could NAIL these moves with one try. 

The teacher and her assistant gave each other knowing and worried glances when it was my turn. Everyone else in the class just had sorry expressions in their eyes and sat there stone faced. I'm not really sure if they were trying not to laugh or what. Then the teacher became DETERMINED that I was going to do it - no man left behind style, showing me over and over how to do the move. Finally after attempting a running jump onto the pole, knocking myself in the head as I flailed through the air and hail mary-ing it by giving the pole a bear hug so that I could stay on, I was halfway up the pole. After I slid down slowly, and landed Indian style on the floor I looked at them and said "I give up" and they finally let me. Needless to say, I was mortified that I'd even gone to the class and pissed at myself that the more I tried to look sexy, I failed miserably. Then I got to thinking further and got more mad, knowing that back in high school I had moves. Dammit, when I used to go to the underage club and bump and grind, I could shake my little teenager ass just fine!!!

So I enrolled in a belly dancing class....idiotic move, right? Exactly. First day, I enter the dance studio, belly dancing gear on and am greeted by the MAN that's teaching the class who's quite obviously a gay tranny but married to a big blond chick that runs the dance studio. Whatever, go figure. So two or three classes in, all of the other women leave me in the dust and the teacher is just giving me looks like I'm a wounded bird. What's funny is that most people describe me as "curvy" because my T & A are very misleading. While I may have those, I forgot to get a side order of hips along the way. Nothing funny from this class to report just lots of robotic movements and the inability to make my arms even move correctly to the music. How the hell did I ever play the violin is what I want to know?! I'm as uncoordinated as they come. 

Well that's all I can dig out of my brain right now. I've been very uninspired to write - just bogged down at work and new things to distract me in life. But I certainly hope YOU are doing well. Drop me a line, let me know you care by commenting here or at thisonetimeatartcamp@yahoo.com!

XOXO

Oh by the way, I bought Gain scented febreeze wall plug ins and my house now smells like a clean laundry explosion of mass proportions. It's awesome and slightly nauseating all at the same time.