Apocalypse Now

Oh boy people, I know you’re about to be totally excited!!!  I recently found another interoffice IM chat among myself and my old insurance job co-workers!  This took place right before the falsely predicted apocalypse was supposed to hit on May 21, 2011. Note: The names of the co-workers involved in this interoffice IM chat have been changed to protect the innocent, but also note that our beloved Flan is in this one too.  Just so you’re not totally lost, here is a brief description of each of our personalities as well as our view on religion (as I experience our/their views to be, anyway.):

Me: Well you know, for me, religion is a topic a lot like politics where I try to stay neutral.  Except for Catholicism – for the record I HATE Catholicism (sorry Catholic readers please don’t hate me because I don’t hate you as people just your religion.)  I believe in free will and not shoving your beliefs down everyone’s throat.  While I’ll go ahead and say that I believe in the core Christian principles, I have a real problem with organized religion. Personality: Most likely undiagnosed clinically insane or Schizophrenic.  Oh and I’m almost always on a damn diet.

Flan: She’s an admitted atheist, and being originally from California finds our ‘deep south religions’ comical.  Personality: LOVES to debate but truly does want to understand where other people are coming from.  Though she’s an atheist, she is very fair.

Goldie: DEVOUT Christian – like WHOAH.  It’s pretty much a miracle that she ever even talks to Flan or I.  I personally always sensed the evil in her waiting to come out but Flan is of the opinion that she’s an innocent little church choir girl to the core.  Personality: She’s a hot little mess, sarcastic and silly and a wonderful story teller.  When she has you in a conversation in person, you’re naturally drawn in.

Kitty: Kind of a Christian though I never have heard her mention going to church.  She typically leans towards the same side of the fence with Goldie when we get into sticky topics but if Flan and I get her alone she’s much less reserved.  I’m so disappointed that she plays no part in this IM conversation at all because she is hilarious.  Personality: She is quick to laugh, and seems to be naïve.  She is also a native Californian but has adapted to Texas life and seems more ‘at home’ here until she goes back to CA to visit.  This mindset seems to be where Kitty and Flan part ways since Flan sweats and bleeds California from every pore and pretty much loathes TX.

And as another side note…….sorry for the non-new material but I got nothin’. Really nothing has set me off lately and I’m not recalling anything to rant about but felt the need to post something.  I really need to put myself in more volatile/flammable situations to get some new material. 

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Me:

Good GAWD, is it really only 10:27?!?!?

Goldie:

Yes.  Yesterday went fast. I was SUPER busy. Probably my busiest day all year.

Me:

Come to think of it, I'm really even regretting being here since the world is ending Saturday.  Maybe I should just leave and blame it on religious beliefs.

(Then I send an invite to Flan and Kitty for the conversation)

Flan:

Oh, is that this week?

Goldie:

Oh no, did you create a conference just for this topic?

Me:

Well yeah.

Flan:

I thought the world was ending next year.

Me:

Well apparently the apocalypse is starting this Saturday.  I mean do I really want to be at work? No, I really don't.

Flan:

Oh, I have not heard this.

Me:

Oh really?!

Flan:

But then, why would I?  Will there be horsemen?

Me:

Well, Google it Flan, some people are losing their minds. They're all going to drink the kool-aid.

Flan:

They should, that way they avoid feeling really stupid the next morning.

Me:

LMAO.  Wait a minute, Goldie you're not a part of the church that believes this stuff right?

Flan:

There's nothing more embarrassing than a false prophecy, I always say.

Me:

Mmmmm, I could really use some peanut brittle right now.

In fact, I think I should pretty much load up on whatever I want until Saturday because BOY WILL I BE P.O'ED IF THE WORLD ENDS AND I'VE BEEN ON A DIET.

Goldie:

lol

Flan:

So does that mean people become non-believers if the world doesn't end?

Me:

Anyone know where I can score some crank?

Flan:

I mean, are there rules for this kind of thing?

Me:

Yes Flan, you will burn on the Earth until judgment day. All of the believers get taken up first.

Flan:

But if it doesn't end, do people become non-believers??

Me:

Um

Flan:

And do I become, like, the Queen of the world???

Me:

You're losing me.

Flan:

Listen stupid...

Me:

AW :(

Flan:

If the world does NOT end, do all the people that said it was going to become non-believers???

Goldie:

No, because they already drank the Kool-Aid.

Flan:

What, EVERYONE is going to drink the kool aid?? Are you and Goldie drinking Kool Aid? Because I for one will be drinking vodka.

Me:

I wish all the really ignorant and stupid people would drink some Kool Aid.

[Several minutes roll by while I get no response from anyone]

*crickets*

LMAO

I guess you're thinking I should include myself in that little count eh?

Flan:

Well, um, I was wishing more for peace on earth, but, you know, whatever.

Me:

(flipping Flan the bird)

Flan:

Nice.

Me:

:)

Well *sniff* I for one think some Burger King is in order.

Me:

Kitty is too good for us. She is snubbing our conversation.

Flan:

I forgot we were having a conversation. Maybe she thinks the world is ending on Saturday and doesn't have time to talk to us.

Me:

True. Those contracts need to get done so people can have 'end of the world' insurance policies.

Flan:

She's probably making a "to do" list for her husband, of things around the house that need to get done before Armageddon.

Me:

LMAO

Flan:

Like weed the garden.

Jesus doesn't like weeds.

Me:

And finally get around to fixing that leaky faucet.

Flan:

Jesus doesn't like wasted water.

He will smite thee.

Me:

Aren't you going to feel pretty dumb if Jesus does come back, Flan?

(Teasing smiley face)

Flan:

No.

[at this point, Goldie logs out of the conversation]

Flan:

Uh oh.

Me:

Yep, we lost Goldie.

Flan:

(shocked smiley face)

Me:

GREAT, I totally offended her.

Flan:

I'm guessing it was me.

Me:

No, I think it was me.

Flan:

You know, the whole "smite" thing. Well, my work here is done.

Me:

Evil

Flan:

You say tomato, I say tomotto...

Me:

Evil hath a name, and thy name is Flan.

Flan:

Yes, yes I do. It's hard to hide my tail in my pants every day.

Me:

LOL

Me:

I love these little chats we have.

[Now, Kitty logs out without saying a word]

Flan:

OH, we lost Kitty!!

Me:

I know!!! JESUS CHRIST, what is WRONG with them!?!? That was so UN-CHRISTIANLY!

Flan:

Jesus Christ on his f$cking cross!!!!

*********************THE END*******************************