Burnin' Down The House!

For your listening pleasure:

WARNING:  I’m a danger to myself AND to others!!! 

Yeah, I almost just burned my house down yesterday at lunch, AGAIN. I don’t know what the frig is wrong with me lately. I mean, did I hallucinate that the microwave was empty when I shoved my spaghetti in along with a paper towel to cover it and a Christmas goody treat bag with a metal twist stick on it??? I can’t even believe that this isn’t the first incident either. Another time recently I left a glass coffee pot on a stove burner set to high (when I know it was supposed to be set no hotter than “simmer” but I just spaced out) and when I went outside and came back in the water in the pot was boiling so hard I thought it was going to explode. On top of it, the plastic handle had melted all over the burner so I couldn’t grab it off and move it, just had to turn the burner off and open all the doors so that I wouldn’t die of noxious fume inhalation.

Being a former apartment manager and seeing crazy $hit go down on the regular, I’d like to advise you all now to purchase a renters' insurance policy if you are renting a home or apartment. It’s usually only around $10 a month for a buttload of coverage and 99% of car insurance companies carry them and can throw it on with your plan. You don’t even have to be an idiot like me, who obviously needs one, bad stuff happens all the time. For instance your neighbor might overflow their toilet, panic and rather than stop the water, let it get so bad that it comes through the ceiling and all of your furniture gets soaked! Trust me on this one, the management office will not pay for your stuff. Ok, I’m done preaching.

On a random note, I woke up Tuesday morning I think it was, with fingerprint bruises on the inside of my left arm and a weird scrape on the inside of my right arm. Either I have some kind of Paranormal Activity type $hit going down while I'm asleep or I'm sleep ho-ing. To be honest, I don't know which I would prefer......time to invest in some night vision video equipment!

OH, also!!! So I’ve been trying to use the word f*ck less, both verbally and in writing (see my above substitution) and in it’s place I’ve been using the word frig. So yesterday, when I was typing an email out and used the word frig, I noticed that spell check didn’t flag it. And here I was thinking I had made up a word. So I meandered out to the urban dictionary and found THIS!

1.	Frig	527 up, 147 down
	Female masturbation. Clitoral stimulation. "I was frigging all day and all night" buy frig mugs & shirts by Osiris Jan 31, 2003 share this add a video
2.	frig	230 up, 115 down
	not to fuck, but to insert fingers in vagina and provide pleasure by rubbing and usually finding the clit to masterbate for her.  see finger i was at this gurls house last night and after we were kissing i gently got my fingers into her pants and frigged her.

WOW, how awesome am I to have started using an even MORE offensive word than I was before?!?!