Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo

For as long as I can remember I have had a completely unfounded fear of midgets.  Er, uh, little people.  Sorry.  But you know what??? Now that I type that out, it kind of pisses me off that they claimed the term “little people” for their culture!  Just like the frigging gays, stealing rainbows as their “mascot.”  I LOOOOVE rainbow accents in clothing items etc.  I used to have rainbow shoelaces, rainbow this, rainbow that and then those pole smoking asshats went and claimed THE RAINBOW and my mother promptly put a stop to my wearing anything of the sort.  And now I’m an adult and I’d just look stupid dressing up in any rainbow stuff.  Fucking shit.  

Well ok, maybe not in this.  Chicka-bow-wow-wow-wow!

AAAAHHHHH I WANT ONE SO BAD!!!!

Can someone please explain to me what the FRIG this girl is supposed to be?! Is this one of those weird anime porn things???

For sure, what I would look like if I tried to pull off a rainbow themed look.

Anyway back to midgets, yeah, cause fuck it, the term little people is offending ME, mainly because part of my family has tiny short delicate people in it which we’ve always called “little” and screw those halfie bastards if they think they’re going to take it away from me.  Ok, for all intents and purposes I’m going to go with the term dwarf/dwarves for the rest of this. 

I’ve tried to get over my fear, and I’m actually much better than I used to be.  I’ve forced myself to watch various reality shows to make myself gain acceptance of how much harder it is for them in life.  I’ve also watched many documentaries showing just how badly they were exploited back in the days when circuses and stuff were big and my heart really breaks for those people who were condemned by society to earn a living by making a spectacle of themselves; suffering abuse from people who didn’t know them. 

And then of course there have been “forced acceptance incidents.”  Like when I had my one and only real wedding and guess what happened to be going on at the hotel we stayed at as well that weekend?  If you guessed THE LITTLE PEOPLE OF AMERICA CONVENTION, you’d be right.  And back then I wasn’t forcing myself to go through acceptance exercises to get over my phobia.  I just stood there in the expansive marble lobby, in my wedding dress with my Groom who was grinning in delight and muffling laughter at the look of shocked horror on my face.  They were EVERYWHERE – and that night was the night of their dance/ball event so they were all sparkly and dressed up too.  And then there was the time I was managing apartments and A DWARF RENTED THERE.  Which was fine because after signing the lease, I thought I wouldn’t have much contact with him but no, he proceeded to be a fixture in the office, asked to use my computer once *convulse* OHMYGODHESATINMYOFFICECHAIRANDUSEDMYKEYBOARD 

and came to many property events. 

But I think I’ve narrowed down my phobia and can now recognize that I’m fine with dwarves in everyday life, you know, normal people holding normal jobs and NOT dressing up as things that childrens' nightmares are made of.

HORRIFYING

For a kid's imagination to process this. .  . NOT a good outcome.

I really hope I don’t have night terrors tonight.

Catalogs: La Deuxième Partie

If anyone has any suggestions on catalogs I can start subscribing to with the craziest $hit ever in them, please let me know.  If I remember correctly in the couple of times I've flown, the Sky Mall magazine had some pretty off the wall/useless stuff in it but I'm no jet setter and won't be stepping on an airplane any time soon if ever again soooooo yeah. Ideas?  

Anywayz, without further ado, here is another installment of crazy catalog pictures.  Enjoy!

OK, is it just me or is he sort of assuming the position?  You know, the a$$ spelunking position?  Maybe he's just a butt poofer...........

Kudos to the chick in this picture because she actually committed to the character.  The dude looks like he wanted to catch the element of toughness/surprise but failed miserably in mass quantities of Twilight proportions.  Probably because he didn't want to mess up his Justin Bieber haircut.  Take a big whiff ladies, this is a representation of the future  men coming about in society. Sparkling, "cute" haired, pansies.  If you have a teenage son who is NOT gay AND he exhibits any of these qualities, smack him back into reality and teach him how a real man should act now before it's to late.

Check it out, this catalog is equal opportunity! That is so awesome of them!!! I should apply, I could totally be a model too!!!!

Remember our friend, Mr. Poopsinthepants? Well he's getting an honorable mention again because did you notice THIS before???  I don't think I did!!!  CHECK. OUT. HIS. FACE. (below)

BRA-VO, DUDE.   He's getting my runner up award for getting into character the best out of them all.

Gladiator??  WTF?  I'm thinking more like misdressed constipated Hobbit.

OHMYGOD.  I LOVE this guy.  I want to BANG this guy.  I bet he's so cool that he throws on that effin hook in the bedroom for his chick.  How much you wanna bet?  If I were his chick, I'd make him, just because he's so frigging awesome, committing to the character like that.  Oh god, it'd be a smorgasbord of eye patches, hooks and peg legs down on that bedroom floor.

And now for the product portion of our segment:

These are pretty cool.  I'm not sure of the accuracy of the two pronged fork back in the Viking days but points for creativity, for sure.

When you absolutely, positively have to cut up every bitch in the room, accept no substitute.

Burnin' Down The House!

For your listening pleasure:

WARNING:  I’m a danger to myself AND to others!!! 

Yeah, I almost just burned my house down yesterday at lunch, AGAIN. I don’t know what the frig is wrong with me lately. I mean, did I hallucinate that the microwave was empty when I shoved my spaghetti in along with a paper towel to cover it and a Christmas goody treat bag with a metal twist stick on it??? I can’t even believe that this isn’t the first incident either. Another time recently I left a glass coffee pot on a stove burner set to high (when I know it was supposed to be set no hotter than “simmer” but I just spaced out) and when I went outside and came back in the water in the pot was boiling so hard I thought it was going to explode. On top of it, the plastic handle had melted all over the burner so I couldn’t grab it off and move it, just had to turn the burner off and open all the doors so that I wouldn’t die of noxious fume inhalation.

Being a former apartment manager and seeing crazy $hit go down on the regular, I’d like to advise you all now to purchase a renters' insurance policy if you are renting a home or apartment. It’s usually only around $10 a month for a buttload of coverage and 99% of car insurance companies carry them and can throw it on with your plan. You don’t even have to be an idiot like me, who obviously needs one, bad stuff happens all the time. For instance your neighbor might overflow their toilet, panic and rather than stop the water, let it get so bad that it comes through the ceiling and all of your furniture gets soaked! Trust me on this one, the management office will not pay for your stuff. Ok, I’m done preaching.

On a random note, I woke up Tuesday morning I think it was, with fingerprint bruises on the inside of my left arm and a weird scrape on the inside of my right arm. Either I have some kind of Paranormal Activity type $hit going down while I'm asleep or I'm sleep ho-ing. To be honest, I don't know which I would prefer......time to invest in some night vision video equipment!

OH, also!!! So I’ve been trying to use the word f*ck less, both verbally and in writing (see my above substitution) and in it’s place I’ve been using the word frig. So yesterday, when I was typing an email out and used the word frig, I noticed that spell check didn’t flag it. And here I was thinking I had made up a word. So I meandered out to the urban dictionary and found THIS!

1.	Frig	527 up, 147 down
	Female masturbation. Clitoral stimulation. "I was frigging all day and all night" buy frig mugs & shirts by Osiris Jan 31, 2003 share this add a video
2.	frig	230 up, 115 down
	not to fuck, but to insert fingers in vagina and provide pleasure by rubbing and usually finding the clit to masterbate for her.  see finger i was at this gurls house last night and after we were kissing i gently got my fingers into her pants and frigged her.

WOW, how awesome am I to have started using an even MORE offensive word than I was before?!?!

Stage Fright

I have HORRIFIC stage fright which translates to the following scenarios: Being on stage in any capacity, even if I’m not speaking/acting/dancing, etc., public or even private speaking events where all eyes are turned to me, meeting new people, interviews or first dates. This (what I totally consider a handicap) sucks to the Nth degree. Maybe I should see someone about this….like a hypnotist or maybe I should adopt a way of coping. You know, like sometimes people will wear earmuffs to combat becoming agitated in loud environments.

I think really what would best suit me though would be:

Yeah, I think instead of the typical coping type sunglasses or costumes (maybe that’s what Elton John has been doing all these years, pretending he’s “flamboyantly gay” but really just has bad stage fright and has to hide behind costumes and wacky glasses):

I’ll don the Geordi La Forge eye visor, AKA my 1990’s banana hair clip that I totally wore the crap out of.  On my eyes, you know, just so I can create that barrier between me and people. 

I had this job interview once where the manager had to stop the interview, grab my hand and ask me if I was ok.  She told me to take some deep breaths and collect myself before she went on because I was on the verge of hyperventilating and white as a sheet.  I got that job, miraculously.  Really it’s a miracle I’ve gotten any job or even been married what with my tripping down flights of stairs on first dates (that one turned into a husband,) running into walls/poles, or trying to look sexy and falling off of a bed after I’ve strategically posed myself waiting for him to come in the room (that was NOT on a first date.)

Kick ass.