Warning: I’m In A Vulgar Mood Today And This Post Is Comprised Of Brain Ramblings That I Harp On Almost Daily

I hate the overuse of the following words: Random. This word gets used to describe me and my thought process all the time by people. You know what some better more fitting words are for my personality? Abstract or eccentric. Much more descriptive and unusual – random is just so bland. And now we come to the word epic: Ohfuckme! If I hear some minor item or occurrence that is absolutely minuscule in the grand scheme of the history of Earth or civilization described as EPIC one more time I’m gonna cut a bitch. People. Please. For the love of God and baby Jesus STOP misusing this word! The Beatles and their impact on music history? Epic. The Ice Age? Epic. The Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction event? (read about it here) EPIC. A sweater or a purse advertised in a fashion magazine? NOT FUCKING EPIC. And furthermore, we can’t be friends if you think an inanimate object of that level of inconsequentiality is in fact epic in some way, sorry. (As a side note, that's Dakota Fanning. Crazy right???)

I’d also like to tell you that I think Tourette’s Syndrome is fucking awesome. I’ve always wanted to, out of nowhere, develop an adult onset version of it so I could get away with calling people crazy shit in public *cock gobbling jizz slurper!!!* You know, stuff like that. I know that they don’t all curse and it’s more common to just have physical tics and things like that but still. If I had even a mild form of that shit I’d milk it for all it’s worth and pretend it was way more severe than it really was. Truly though, anyone reading that might have Tourette’s or if you know someone who has Tourette’s, I want to assure you that I am IN NO WAY making fun of it. As with any disability (and I know because technically I have one) I am sure it has it’s down sides. But for the most part?? I am so unbelievably envious of the shit you must be able to get away with. And I’ve felt this way LONG before South Park made an episode about it so don’t even go there with me, girlfriend. In fact, I should have been a writer for that fuckin’ show. And I do a mean Cartman impression on top of it! At least I did at one time. 

Here’s some Tourette’s videos for your enjoyment and knowledge enrichment: 

Anywho, moving on to other smatterings that are pouring out of my brain today. . . This website {this one} (don’t open it at work or around the elderly, it’s naughty) was brought to my attention this morning. And then I found this for sale on it: 

If anyone would like to get me this as a gift, I swear to proudly display her openly in my home, take her along for rides in the car and of course, she’d be my constant party companion. Not lying, I’d do it and I’d provide you with pictures as proof. I can’t guarantee taking her along to family outings that involve my mother, grandparents or aunt because believe it or not, they know I’m out there but not THIS LEVEL of out there. I’m pretty sure I’m an undiagnosed closet Schizophrenic. I say closeted because I really do hide it well in public. At least, I think I do, but then again crazy people don’t think or know they’re crazy right? Oh GAWD which brings me onto another paranoia I’ve had almost all of my life. OK,  reach however far you have to reach into your brain for this. What if…….I’m retarded? Like really, what if I’m mentally handicapped and OF COURSE no one’s going to TELL me that I am. I don’t have that many friends. What if people around me are just humoring me? It’s not like anyone who loves me is going to tell me that I’m any different from anyone else in the world. In fact I’m often described as “special” and “unique” so there ya go. Yeah, I could totally see that one coming true one day. 

And speaking of complete retards, I totally miss my cat, the fluffy little retarded bastard that he was. He was really fluffy and cuddly and sweet AND cool as shit. It’s been over a year since I left him behind in the divorce and I’m in no position to take him back now (that is if that asshole didn't give him away) and I still think about him. He sat on my chest and licked my eyelids to wake me up every morning, he played fetch like a dog, he even learned how to give high fives and I taught him how to play tag/hide and seek. Kit-tay and I would run around the house together like a couple of crazed Chlamydosaurus kingii lizards ridiculously playing. He totally understood how to get me to play with him too when I wasn't in the mood. Once when I was sitting on the toilet (not paying attention to his meowing, which he did to beckon me to play) he used his retard strength to power open the bathroom door then gave me a very pissed off look, walked around to the back of the toilet, bit the hell out of my ass overhang and took off running. But he was always doing cool stuff like that. Kit-tay is the shit.

So I’ll wrap up this post with some other things I love, that when I need a mood boost, I watch or listen to.

If you’re my friend, I’ve probably sent this to you multiple times. That’s just because I love it so much. For real, I watch it all the time. 

I will one day write an entire post about The Mike Hawk show and my involvement.  This guy is a riot and he's currently hibernating much to my dismay.  Perhaps one day he will make it big.  If I ever win the lottery, I  plan to fund his own show.  You can check out more of him on his website: http://www.themikehawkshow.com/.

Oh and I've been addicted to looking at photobomb pictures as of late and two that I found yesterday are totally cracking me up big time.  This first one, that is so some shit I would do in a photo:

And this second one - also some shit I would do in a photo.