Geriatric Foreplay

Before I start, isn't the movie Natural Born Killers, like, the most romantic movie in the entire world in the history of ever??? Seriously. I know it’s sick and all but OMG, the chemistry between Mickey and Mallory…..the love….the devotion. *swoon*

*AHEM* Onward to the real topic I want to talk about……Please help me understand why there is such a draw between the following: old people and birds, old people and pie, old people and fall foliage, old people and Branson, Missouri. 

First off, the birds. 

My grandparents (get this, they’re 90 years old and more computer literate than some people I know who are 50+ years their junior,) send me slews of emails. The emails generally contain something religious in nature however at least once a week I get something containing pictures of birds or fall foliage. Perhaps my distaste for birds came at a young age when I decided to try and rescue an injured baby bird, as I would assume most every child has done at one time or another. I kept it in a shoe box on the back porch and when I went to check on it after about 30 minutes or so this is what I saw: 

*Cue shower scene music from Psycho*

Since I was a continual ball of stress as a child anyway, I flipped out and ran to my mother for help and I’m sure a hose and whatever else she could grab was employed to take care of the gruesome scene but that mental image continues to haunt me. The bird was just some plain looking little sparrow, it wasn't anything spectacular but ever since that I just can’t bring myself to like birds, I even sort of cringe in horror whenever I see them. Not only that but in parts of the city I grew up in, birds flock to certain areas right at sunset. So many birds are flying around that it really does look like a scene from the Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds. They fly around in flocks (or perhaps if they’re crows, I can insert the term "murders" here. . . GAWD I love that,) so thick they look like black clouds and it’s really disturbing to me. There’s nothing beautiful or endearing about birds. Not a thing. Occasionally I’ll warm up to one that’s someone else’s pet but I don’t know many people who keep them as pets. 

Onward to pie. I’m a cake girl myself and while I like certain types of pie I don’t gravitate towards it. If there’s a dessert table set out in front of me, even if one of my preferred types of pie is set out among pieces of cake I’ll choose cake every time. And this goes for cheesecake too. I don’t like it. I don’t hate it but 8 times out of 10 I’ll turn down dessert if cheesecake or pie are my only two options. My grandparents and mother are pie people so unless it's my birthday there's not a crumb of cake to be found.  Now, as a side note, me being a Frenchy and all, the love for crème brûlée or French pastries runs thick in my veins and I’ll choose one of those over cake every time. I’m a complex individual, as you can see. 

And finally, I think two things that go hand in hand are fall foliage and Branson, Missouri. My theory is that driving around aimlessly to look at fall foliage has to be elderly foreplay. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been piled into my grandparents’ Cadillac for a “Sunday drive” to look at frigging leaves around fall time. When I got old enough and figured out I had a choice in the matter barring a few family fights, bargains and pleading, I was able to opt out of going. Thinking back on it, after their Sunday drives and the family clearing out for the day they probably made sweet, sweet geriatric love to each other. Oh God. 

When I moved back in with my mom last year, I got hit up to go on vacation with them. The choices were many but they narrowed it down to two destinations, a cruise to Alaska or Branson, Missouri. 

Right. 

The cruise would've been cool yes however I couldn't go because of work but I had to really try (probably unsuccessfully) to hide the horror on my face at the mention of going to Branson. I even pulled my mom aside later and in a very serious manner tried to gently tell her that she was way too young to entertain the thought of vacationing in Branson. I’m guessing this is like Vegas (which I actually don’t like because of the noise and over stimulation either) but for the elderly. I mean, just check out these acts!!!!

If I wasn't already slotted on the fast track to Hell. . . I'd be having a field day with the 'Joseph' show right now. . . but I already have to constantly dodge lightning bolts so I'll just leave it alone.

So the moral of this story is, if I start trying to get you to go on Sunday drives to look at leaves with me or planning trips to Branson, it’s time for a mercy killing. You have my permission in advance.