Coming Home Drunken Ramblings

So yeah, I'm going to have to get a little personal here, sorry in advance.  Stop reading if you don't care to hear it, you've been warned.  Oh.  And I may or may not be a little drunk.  And oh yeah, this isn't going to be funny in any way.

Sorry for my disappearing act.  I've recently moved back to the city I called home for over a decade.  I hesitantly say I've landed on my feet but sort of half cocked sideways.  So now I sit in a house that only I own, waiting for it to sell, so I can put this last decade of wasted time and mistakes behind me.  Sometimes the ghosts of how the house was once filled creep back into my mind.  All of the things I had acquired, all of the the material possessions I had at my disposal gone, left behind even though they were mine.  Left behind so as not to incite the memories associated with them.  Years and years worth of possessions.  Nice things, things people envied, all gone by choice.  Then I think about what I thought was love that once filled this house.  I try really hard to grasp it, I always have.  Love eludes me and I elude love, from most people, anyway.  This doesn't come from bitterness but from my reality.  People use me for their wants and needs and I use them, we all use each other, really, if you stop and think about it.  Most everyone just tries to mask it.  

Always the strong one with my family and friends, always the dependable one, the one that makes the good and sound decisions.  "So strong for so much that she's been through."  Well fuck that.  I'm tired.  I have no one to turn to but myself because I've never wanted anyone else's help.  But now my strong resolve wavers and help has come to me in unexpected friends and people which I am actually thankful for.  But like most people and things, they blend into the background returning to their lives and families like a fading tune. Advice - I'm playing with the hand I was dealt in life, and you're playing with yours and no one wants to throw any of their cards on the table because of boundaries and walls and past experiences intruding into present day.  Wake up and live, surround yourself with those who amuse you, be with who gets your heart and mind racing and your drive to be a better person going.     

Anyway, besides wading through all of the memories, all of the pain and all of the good that's come with all of the bad, I still wake up and my lungs breathe in a new day.  Sometimes I wish it wouldn't part my lips with it's air and sting my eyes with it's light.  Sometimes I just crave peace but I push on with my obligations.  At the end of the day I sit alone and stare blankly at the boxes I'm living out of waiting for the word to pack up my essentials and find a new home.  I just want it all to be over and done without major incident but there are still some waiting around the corner.  Never quite the optimist but more the realist, I feel the vibrations of more waves waiting to crash down on me and I'll wait and I'll brace it the best that I can.  I'll deal.  Or I won't.

And finally I've decided that ultimately I don't want to be alone.  I joke that I've used up all of my relationship vouchers and hey, maybe I have.  But here's the difference now, I don't need someone, I want someone and it's a huge realization for me.  So I'll end this and bring amusement next time.  Being back at Ye Olde Insurance Company is giving me quite the writing material but tonight I had to get this out of the way.  Till next time.